A Little Bit Personal

I’m not really the type to be all upfront about my personal issues here on my blog. Usually I bottle it all up until it explodes like a volcano but (well, this must be it exploding hehe.) But no, not really. I haven’t exploded yet. I have extended my patience long enough for me to keep all the flames under control.

I’m not gonna go into detail. I don’t like detailing or outlining my personal life here on this blog and normally, if you readers have noticed I usually state my inner feelings through poetry or other vague means. I just can’t be direct.

There’s this quote I saw on Movie Quotes or some Facebook page like that. I haven’t personally seen The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind as I am not a huge movie fan but I was scrolling down and I came across this quote.

 

1-Eternal-Sunshine-of-the-Spotless-Mind-quotes

Hurts, huh? But it’s true. We go about our lives with people in it and we sit next to them, walk with them, eat with them, spend a lot of time with them and we think we know them. We think we know them so well and when things go awry we find ourselves saying, I guess I never really knew him/her at all.

No.

You never really knew me at all. Why? Because you’re superficial. You spend months with me and you think you have me all figured out because you see me, you practically know my body from all angles and you think that’s enough to know someone.

When you saw the scars on my hand and you asked about them, I wish you had pressed me harder when I said no.

When I smoked outside in silence, I wish you had asked me if I was okay.

I wish you had asked me more about myself than the usual small talk.

But in a sense, I suppose it’s okay that you don’t since I have everything figured out. So that when you leave it won’t hurt as much, since I didn’t give a piece of myself to you. Money can be replaced but trust cannot. Each time I want to trust you, or open up to you I find some reason, always some other reason to hold back. Maybe I’m just overthinking, or maybe I’m just too guarded and suspicious but I would rather protect myself than turn out to be the fool in the end.

It hurts less when you don’t give as much.

And it’s okay if you go. You never knew me anyways. We were strangers all this time. All the time we spent together was just physical. Our souls were never even present.

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Gilded Butterflies + Announcement

 

How’s that sweater feel?

In the swelter of June

Or about that expensive cocktail

Does it feel good or are you queasy too soon?

How’s that new car feel?

Does it quench your thirst for speed?

Or are you still dehydrated within?

Do those palaces of lechery prick your skin with excitement?

Or are you just doing it to seem relevant?

 

One day we, we will laugh at all the gilded butterflies

Weighed down by their filigree wings

We’ll find the void where all the sadness lies

The void that can’t be filled by phony things.

 

How do those shoes feel?

Can you dance in them?

Can you tango and twist?

Or are you a mannequin with frozen feet?

How does that caviar taste?

The blood and sweat of working class parents

Laid before bar tables and bar dancer bosoms

Only to be vomited on toilet seats and French shoes

Why would you want to be anyone but you?

 

One day we, we will laugh at the gilded butterflies

Weighed down by their ornamental wings

Trapped in their labyrinthine lies

Wouldn’t you rather be free?

 

How does that opinion taste?

Is it familiar or foreign?

Something you swallowed and told yourself your stomach agreed with?

Not the case until you retched it.

How does that ideology feel?

Does it touch and tingle like a woman’s skin?

Or is it tossing you in a hot desert with a coarse feel?

How does that personality fit?

It seems rather loose. Would you like an expensive belt with it?

Looks like the slightest shake could make it slip right off your hips.

 

 

One day we, we will all laugh at gilded butterflies

That think with filigree wings they could fly

That think with dressed up personalities they could soar

One small mistake the gilded butterflies would be no more.

 

Someday he, he will stop being a gilded butterfly

And he will see, see that you can’t get around on heavy wings

Weighing you with things you only think you need

Let it go and see how you fly free

 

 

 

ANNOUNCEMENT:

 

I have decided to edit “Thunderbolt Magil” and this is one of the feature poems. Once the book has been edited, finished, polished and published,  I shall let you guys know.

i hate love and everything it stands for

i hate love

i never want to be loved by anyone, largely because i cannot picture myself loving anyone as well

i didnt like being sweet.

i hate compromise

i hate making time

but most of all i hate emotions.

it’s not that i dont have feelings it’s just that they’re not as engaged and functional probably due to years of being stuffed in the dark where i cannot “see” or reach them.

i have numbed myself so much over the years that i have forgotten what it’s like to actually feel something.

to know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and have butterflies in your stomach just looking at someone

to care for someone, to see how they’re doing, to make time for them and see each other when you can

i hated emotions. i buried myself in all sorts of things so i wouldnt learn how to feel. and i got so good at it

i was already mastering the art of not feeling anything until he came along.

i wish you didnt have to come.  i was only looking for a good time and you made this happen. you made this happen and i wanted out but you just latched on to me.

i dont want to use my emotions anymore. i think the years of chilling myself have led to them being so underdeveloped that when i start to use them, i start to feel everything so deeply and it’s affecting me.

to be honest, i’m scared of my emotions.

it’s been a long time since i last felt hurt and i was happy during the days i didnt feel them and i dont want to feel them anymore.

i dont know how to cope with things like this. im twentyfuckingthree years old and i’m still terrified whenever i start to catch feelings for someone.

im afraid of sadness, of anger, of happiness even

i just want to be in a state of complete numbness. i want to be stoic and cold.

personal shit

For the record i never asked you to change.

I never asked you to be anything other than who you are and since I understand that you can never be what i want, i decided to end things with you

but you didnt want to let go.

i have this fear that you will tell other people, that you will turn the tables on me and tell other people that i forced you to change. that i was being clingy and needy and i wanted you to be something you’re not.

for the record, i never said anything like that. which is why i would rather that we go our own separate ways because it’s easier than forcing ourselves to be something we’re not.

also, do not tell your friends that i forbade you from seeing them or from playing games. i have the screenshots to prove it.

i never wanted you to be anything else other than yourself but when yourself just wasn’t enough for me, i just had to let you go. it’s better than hurting you and making a vaudeville act out of you.

and recently everything seems different again. it’s like you’re not you.

the messages were overly clingy. very unlike you to message me several times in a day.

i guess if you could read this you would probably say “that’s what you wanted, right?”

no. it’s not.

i want you to be you

i want you to be free to like what you like

i wanted to give you that freedom, but you chose to stay with me

if anything’s forcing anything else, you’re just forcing yourself.

i pity you. dearly.

ATTENTION

It took me months to conceptualize it and to finalize it and now I’m finally writing and arranging it! It’s a concept poem-novel art book (does it make sense?) that I wrote while drinking coffee at a cafe. It’s got everything-it has art, it has poetry, it has themes and it’ll have its own album on SoundCloud one day .

In the meantime, here’s a link to it!

https://tablo.io/dylanquincy/thunderbolt-mcgill-a-concept

 

Pls. tell me via the comments what you think 🙂

P.S. Still subject to changes so if anything feels raw or what, it’ll probably still undergo editing.

PPS. It WILL HAVE drawings. Drawing is hard.

Not Me

Not me

I don’t know how to crawl

All I learned since birth

Was how to stand tall

Not me I never learned to bow

All I learned since birth

Was to walk away now

Not me

I never learned to share

All I learned since birth

Was to forget how to care

Not me

I don’t know how to kneel

I think when I was born

I was born with an instinct to kill

Not me

I don’t know how to give

A predator since day one

All I know is to take what is to come

Not me

I don’t know how to sleep

Vigilant and awake

I can come in for the thrill

Not me

I don’t know how to stay

Ever since I was kid

All I ever did was run away

Not me

I’ve never learned to weep

Keep it all inside

Though I know they run too deep

Not me

I’ve never been scared

All I’ll ever know

Is to face whatever’s there

PRODUCT REVIEW: Yogurt Hotdogs

I didn’t really think it was possible before for yogurt and meat to exist in the same sentence except for when it is being used as a dip (and from what I remember yogurt is used as a dressing and a dip for some flatbreads but my food history is sketchy, so don’t trust me.) but when I saw the Yogurt Hotdog, being a fan of both yogurt and hotdogs, I immediately bought it wanting to give it a try since I am after trying new things, especially food items I’ve never eaten before.

Okay, I admit it. I jumped at the notion of buying it because I saw it was ‘healthy’ and thought it a better alternative to the usual hotdog, which is in a way correct since it is made with chicken meat instead of red meat and has 25% less fat, zero trans fat and no preservatives (I’m a bit doubtful about this). I didn’t buy it for health reasons because I am not a health junkie nor do I believe that it has the ability to alleviate health problems brought about by food, rather, I bought it because it’s very intriguing and catchy to the eyes.

Now for the review. But first, here’s a picture you guys can ‘picture’ it better.

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Taste wise it was pretty sour, but what did I expect? Yogurt is sour unless it’s flavored then it only becomes mildly sour. Actually while I was eating it I wasn’t quite sure what it tasted like, if it was salty or sour (maybe both?). It’s pretty interesting, the first three bites but eat three more and you’re bound to have a sour yogurt overload that’ll make you want to eat it with ketchup or some dip of some sort (I highly recommend Cheez Whiz with this).

Texture wise it did look and feel like a veal sausage, the ones that I used to eat at hotel buffets. It was that white and that smooth-looking but of course, since veal is fattier than chicken, it naturally is more flavorful.

Overall, I would recommend this if you’re the health nut type but beware the sour taste. It won’t taste like your ordinary hotdog EVEN if you fry it. Regardless of cooking method the texture and taste stay the same. Don’t eat more than three at a time and you’ll actually get to appreciate it

(ps. i stupidly ignored the serving size. )