i hate love
i never want to be loved by anyone, largely because i cannot picture myself loving anyone as well
i didnt like being sweet.
i hate compromise
i hate making time
but most of all i hate emotions.
it’s not that i dont have feelings it’s just that they’re not as engaged and functional probably due to years of being stuffed in the dark where i cannot “see” or reach them.
i have numbed myself so much over the years that i have forgotten what it’s like to actually feel something.
to know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and have butterflies in your stomach just looking at someone
to care for someone, to see how they’re doing, to make time for them and see each other when you can
i hated emotions. i buried myself in all sorts of things so i wouldnt learn how to feel. and i got so good at it
i was already mastering the art of not feeling anything until he came along.
i wish you didnt have to come. i was only looking for a good time and you made this happen. you made this happen and i wanted out but you just latched on to me.
i dont want to use my emotions anymore. i think the years of chilling myself have led to them being so underdeveloped that when i start to use them, i start to feel everything so deeply and it’s affecting me.
to be honest, i’m scared of my emotions.
it’s been a long time since i last felt hurt and i was happy during the days i didnt feel them and i dont want to feel them anymore.
i dont know how to cope with things like this. im twentyfuckingthree years old and i’m still terrified whenever i start to catch feelings for someone.
im afraid of sadness, of anger, of happiness even
i just want to be in a state of complete numbness. i want to be stoic and cold.