i hate love and everything it stands for

i hate love

i never want to be loved by anyone, largely because i cannot picture myself loving anyone as well

i didnt like being sweet.

i hate compromise

i hate making time

but most of all i hate emotions.

it’s not that i dont have feelings it’s just that they’re not as engaged and functional probably due to years of being stuffed in the dark where i cannot “see” or reach them.

i have numbed myself so much over the years that i have forgotten what it’s like to actually feel something.

to know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and have butterflies in your stomach just looking at someone

to care for someone, to see how they’re doing, to make time for them and see each other when you can

i hated emotions. i buried myself in all sorts of things so i wouldnt learn how to feel. and i got so good at it

i was already mastering the art of not feeling anything until he came along.

i wish you didnt have to come.  i was only looking for a good time and you made this happen. you made this happen and i wanted out but you just latched on to me.

i dont want to use my emotions anymore. i think the years of chilling myself have led to them being so underdeveloped that when i start to use them, i start to feel everything so deeply and it’s affecting me.

to be honest, i’m scared of my emotions.

it’s been a long time since i last felt hurt and i was happy during the days i didnt feel them and i dont want to feel them anymore.

i dont know how to cope with things like this. im twentyfuckingthree years old and i’m still terrified whenever i start to catch feelings for someone.

im afraid of sadness, of anger, of happiness even

i just want to be in a state of complete numbness. i want to be stoic and cold.

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personal shit

For the record i never asked you to change.

I never asked you to be anything other than who you are and since I understand that you can never be what i want, i decided to end things with you

but you didnt want to let go.

i have this fear that you will tell other people, that you will turn the tables on me and tell other people that i forced you to change. that i was being clingy and needy and i wanted you to be something you’re not.

for the record, i never said anything like that. which is why i would rather that we go our own separate ways because it’s easier than forcing ourselves to be something we’re not.

also, do not tell your friends that i forbade you from seeing them or from playing games. i have the screenshots to prove it.

i never wanted you to be anything else other than yourself but when yourself just wasn’t enough for me, i just had to let you go. it’s better than hurting you and making a vaudeville act out of you.

and recently everything seems different again. it’s like you’re not you.

the messages were overly clingy. very unlike you to message me several times in a day.

i guess if you could read this you would probably say “that’s what you wanted, right?”

no. it’s not.

i want you to be you

i want you to be free to like what you like

i wanted to give you that freedom, but you chose to stay with me

if anything’s forcing anything else, you’re just forcing yourself.

i pity you. dearly.

ATTENTION

It took me months to conceptualize it and to finalize it and now I’m finally writing and arranging it! It’s a concept poem-novel art book (does it make sense?) that I wrote while drinking coffee at a cafe. It’s got everything-it has art, it has poetry, it has themes and it’ll have its own album on SoundCloud one day .

In the meantime, here’s a link to it!

https://tablo.io/dylanquincy/thunderbolt-mcgill-a-concept

 

Pls. tell me via the comments what you think 🙂

P.S. Still subject to changes so if anything feels raw or what, it’ll probably still undergo editing.

PPS. It WILL HAVE drawings. Drawing is hard.

Not Me

Not me

I don’t know how to crawl

All I learned since birth

Was how to stand tall

Not me I never learned to bow

All I learned since birth

Was to walk away now

Not me

I never learned to share

All I learned since birth

Was to forget how to care

Not me

I don’t know how to kneel

I think when I was born

I was born with an instinct to kill

Not me

I don’t know how to give

A predator since day one

All I know is to take what is to come

Not me

I don’t know how to sleep

Vigilant and awake

I can come in for the thrill

Not me

I don’t know how to stay

Ever since I was kid

All I ever did was run away

Not me

I’ve never learned to weep

Keep it all inside

Though I know they run too deep

Not me

I’ve never been scared

All I’ll ever know

Is to face whatever’s there

PRODUCT REVIEW: Yogurt Hotdogs

I didn’t really think it was possible before for yogurt and meat to exist in the same sentence except for when it is being used as a dip (and from what I remember yogurt is used as a dressing and a dip for some flatbreads but my food history is sketchy, so don’t trust me.) but when I saw the Yogurt Hotdog, being a fan of both yogurt and hotdogs, I immediately bought it wanting to give it a try since I am after trying new things, especially food items I’ve never eaten before.

Okay, I admit it. I jumped at the notion of buying it because I saw it was ‘healthy’ and thought it a better alternative to the usual hotdog, which is in a way correct since it is made with chicken meat instead of red meat and has 25% less fat, zero trans fat and no preservatives (I’m a bit doubtful about this). I didn’t buy it for health reasons because I am not a health junkie nor do I believe that it has the ability to alleviate health problems brought about by food, rather, I bought it because it’s very intriguing and catchy to the eyes.

Now for the review. But first, here’s a picture you guys can ‘picture’ it better.

20170622_053746[1]

Taste wise it was pretty sour, but what did I expect? Yogurt is sour unless it’s flavored then it only becomes mildly sour. Actually while I was eating it I wasn’t quite sure what it tasted like, if it was salty or sour (maybe both?). It’s pretty interesting, the first three bites but eat three more and you’re bound to have a sour yogurt overload that’ll make you want to eat it with ketchup or some dip of some sort (I highly recommend Cheez Whiz with this).

Texture wise it did look and feel like a veal sausage, the ones that I used to eat at hotel buffets. It was that white and that smooth-looking but of course, since veal is fattier than chicken, it naturally is more flavorful.

Overall, I would recommend this if you’re the health nut type but beware the sour taste. It won’t taste like your ordinary hotdog EVEN if you fry it. Regardless of cooking method the texture and taste stay the same. Don’t eat more than three at a time and you’ll actually get to appreciate it

(ps. i stupidly ignored the serving size. )

Lost in Los Banos (WEEK ONE)

So in case you didn’t know yet I’m currently taking a review class for the nutrition and dietetics board exam at the University of the Philippines Los Banos and though I’ve had alot of absences (heh!) I can say that the past two weeks of staying in a dorm and waking up  at 6:00 (EDIT: 6:15-I’m not a very good liar [still probably a lie]) to get to the campus and listen to the lectures.

Truth be told I stopped attending the lectures or finishing them when I realize that the content of the lectures were the same as the manuals they gave so we just decided to learn it on our own. This is actually one of the most enjoyable parts since me and a fellow “reviewee” felt that we could stay and rest freely and reveiw on our own terms more often (which proved to be productive for the both of us since we both passed the first examination). The other fun parts include saying random stuff with our other housemates, cooking, making fun of myself (I have a very strange sense of humor) and of course, eating with them and having deep, meaningful conversations with them.

At first I didn’t want to go to UPLB nor did I even want to review. I didn’t want to take the boards in the first place but for some reason, being around the right people at the right place motivated me in a way and seriously introduced me to a new, more practical mindset that enables me to take any challenges head on. Sometimes it’s about stepping outside of your comfort zone, becoming less rigid and understanding other people that’ll be the key to your development and growth as a person.

 

this is short. i have nothing to share.

behind iridescent lights

 

Though brightness is around

And darkness can’t be found

The whole time she is before him

A thespian in full effect

Temptress nakedly cloaked

He sees through the guise

He realizes

That she is only a girl

In a costume, living in play

All by herself in a fantasy world

It’s always been her curse

Hot it’s hidden can’t be determined

But oh the plays, the shows she’d put

Now the curtains are coming down

The applause has yet to be heard

Her disguise has been found out

Playtime’s over

Reality is knocking on her mind’s

Wooden door.