Once I was swept and I stepped on brand new terrain
A stranger in the strangest place
Where customs and cultures I was raised in found their
Opposite amongst belligerent, crass classes.
I stuck out like a sore pale thumb
Glowing in the middle of sun kissed hoards but at least halfway
Thru I’ve found my kin
And we, despite culture shock timidness soon got along.
I never felt alone.
Or so I thought.
I never felt alone, or so I thought.
I soon started to realize that
Beside their jovial exuberance
I was a paradox.
With such awakening and longing for my past life
I sought tranquillity and shoved myself
In the shell of isolation, all because I couldn’t understand their collectivism and felt they viewed me as an oddity.
Until precious prince came along
Accidentally my eyes turned the color of gardens of roses and tulips and I had become an unconscious contradiction of my principle to never let a man’s touch change me nor esteem nor temperament.
But his littered kisses rendered me grown and transformed into abhorrently confident, boastful bore.
All the while envious of past flame whom I unconsciously mmirrored, subtly she a reflection of me, explaining my disdain
But proud lion was I to roar the loudest, booming, growling voice only to see that I was the only one hearing me
And so personal chaos echoing tumults of salad days, I retreated into my home and felt paralyzed, there was no more liberation to move.
Days spent hiding, lying low proved most effective, burying the hatchet and moving on with bits of silence still reigning
Trauma ran rampant from within me, officially mutating into anxiety quelled only by love and company of reading, lover and coffee.
A change a many
Occurred in me suddenly
When she started to seem less of a nemesis and more of a possible romantic partner, the splashes of gentle water
That’s slowly putting out the fiery, sensual flames of my original lover
My identity of which I always wore with pride now gleamed before me
I no longer wished to see anybody but she
Who thought deep as me
Who felt trembling hands and fearful heart as me
It made me wonder of her day and night, wondering who I loved more
Cold Christmas and separated New Year
Tears told me, gave me
The answers I’d long been expecting.
I missed not person but sexual touching and convenient company so til the shine of summer sun and dance of humid air, I tried to bear with boring patience with him; boring love growing thin as my heart started to belong to aged gods of harmonic rock music.
Aged gods with long, golden locks of desert yellow hair
Energetic impish lads with eyes round as cherry bombs he drops.
And curly haired poet with thin bones with voluminous lyrics.
I had forgotten about the real lover when he thought we ought to be dissevered I despaired not yet sought comforting company in enigmatic, mad artist and his creatively odd genius band whose gloom came down on me, my lovesickness and high strung vivacity crashed into the pits of depression-attacking worse than before.
No quarrels or qualms but I felt lonesome for a year.
All due to him.
Strangely enough, the sadness proved addictive and I clung on to them til the end of the year
Now, having ended final summer and love affair with lunatics of melody
I fell hard for troops of bards
That both confused confused and mystified me
Encouraged and made me lazy
Turned me into a walking paradox
Although miraculously I was cured of melancholy, restored my sanity, and a going about optimistically
Hoping that I would be in good spirits for the rest of my final, difficult year
Until I am free